Power

This week marked my 8th month of sobriety. It also marked the annual Christmas work party, as well as my annual ‘I am in my 30’s and alone at Christmas’ anniversary. Each one of these events have been conquered with copious amounts of ̶b̶o̶o̶z̶e̶ self-confidence.

This journey thus far, the sober one, has been a journey which has allowed for me to understand and utilize strategies, skills and sentiments which have become somewhat of a universal adapter. I’ve realised that I can plug this adapter into the mains of any area in my life, and use this way of thinking to provide me with power.

I have been adding some tools into my Amazon Wish List trunk each night; stocking up on reliable gadgets to support my journey. It then made me reflect and realise; I have also been doing this emotionally too.

One of the items in this Wish List of mine is a head torch. There are going to be times when it is dark during my travels, and I might not be able to see clearly. I would use this when walking at night so I could see my way; to give me a better view.

I would drink to support me in dealing with difficult situations. I relied on it to help offer me clarity and calmness. I relied on it to offer me confidence and contentment. I relied on it to lift my spirits and shed light during dark times.

I now realise that this was not the case. Unlike the head torch, drink would cloud the path to answers (reliable ones at least). It would direct me to detours and delusions.

Sobriety has allowed for me to turn on the floodlights; exposing me and my vulnerability, and offering me the opportunity to stand back and observe my surroundings. My current state of self. It isn’t always a pretty picture, but anything is better when in HD right?

I am not expecting the absence of absinthe to reveal the yellow brick road, and to offer me a birds-eye view of a clearly mapped out journey, set out just for me to follow. I just found myself wandering through the forest at times, and not being able to see the wood from the trees. Don’t get me wrong; it is inevitable that we will wonder through the woods from time to time, and that is fine! I love the scenic route from time to time! I would just like to see a little clearer with where I am going, as I am sick of getting a mouth full of bark.

The journey is the fun part though. I mean, what happens once you’ve reached your destination? My favourite part of running the London Marathon, was the race; not the finish line. Wait. I don’t like using the word ‘race’. It automatically invites the idea of panic and competition. It was not a race for me; it was a journey. It was what I witnessed, experienced, observed and enjoyed whilst travelling towards the finish line on this journey, which made the final step that evermore rewarding. I did not research the route that I was to be taking prior to race. I just trusted that I would know the right way to go with help from others and intuition. But I did have the acquired tools in order to support me on my journey.

This reminds me of something said by Jack Canfield; featured in ‘The Secret’. He says:

Life is like driving in the dark. Your headlights show you the 200 feet in front of you and as you move forward, the next 200 feet are shown to you. You don’t need to see the entire path in order to reach your destination.

Another one of the items planted into my Wish List is a solar-powered charging bank. If I find that I am running low on important energy in order to help capture memories, or guidance in where to go, I will use this natural resource to recharge my gadgets and support me in continuing with my journey.

I do not like admitting to ‘faults’ or ‘weaknesses’ of mine, as my biggest insecurity in life is being judged, but; a weakness of mine has always been relying on others in order to make myself feel alive or ‘charged’. If I ever felt low or empty, I would find the nearest party or person and plug myself into that proximity in order to charge myself up and try to feel more independent. I was dependent on others to make me feel independent. Hypocritical. In hindsight, I was actually providing others with the dregs of my own battery life, and we would end up playing hot potato with the remaining 2% in the tank.

I have started to learn how to self-charge. How to source energy from natural resources such as self-love, silence, speech and sleep…a lot of sleep! I am trying to charge myself on renewable energy; energy that is sourced and stored from within. When I feel low, and I find myself on my last 2%, I feel less inclined to up and run to the nearest party power point, and focus on soaking up my own support.

Don’t get me wrong, I have read the reviews for these Solar-powered charging banks, and as sufficient as they are, they also rely on being charged at the mains from time to time. We all should. My family and friends provide me with so much energy to power through life and live it to its fullest; but it is important not to depend on this, and to also self-charge. Balance.

So as I continue to stock up on my Amazon Wish List, with late night booty-calls to Alexa, requesting another item to be added into my basket, I will also be doing the same with myself. A Wish List for the tools that I want to stock up on in order for me to support myself within my journey of ‘self’. The great thing about this Wish List is that everything is free, yet highly-valuable, and, we already have them in-stock. We already own most of these tools within ourselves; we just need to flick the switch on to find them.

Merry Christmas.

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